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What is Probate? Oregon

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What is probate?
Probate is a legal process whereby a court oversees the distribution of assets left by a deceased person. Assets are anything a person owns with value, such as real and personal property and cash, for instance.

When is probate needed?
Probate is not always necessary. If the deceased person owned bank accounts or property with another person, the surviving co-owner often will then own that property automatically. If a person dies leaving very few assets, such as personal belongings or household goods, these items can be distributed among the rightful beneficiaries without the supervision of the court.

Sometimes probate is needed to:
Clear title to land, stocks and bonds, or large bank or savings and loan accounts that were held in the name of the deceased person only, and put the title to these assets in the names of the rightful beneficiaries.

-Collect debts owed to the deceased person.

-Settle a dispute between people who claim they are entitled to assets of the deceased person.

-Resolve any disputes about the validity of the deceased person’s will.

What happens during the probate process?
If the deceased person had a will, the will is “proved” and delivered to the court. The deceased person’s will can be proved by an affidavit made under oath by the witnesses to the will. If such an affidavit is unavailable, the personal presence of the witnesses may be required in court to testify that at the time the will was signed, the deceased person was of sound mind and knew what he or she was doing.

A personal representative is selected. A personal representative is someone who handles the deceased person’s affairs. A will generally names a personal representative who, if willing to serve and otherwise qualified, will be approved by the court. If a person dies without a will, the court will select the personal representative, usually the spouse, an adult child or another close relative. If none of those people are available or willing to be the personal representative, the court may choose a bank, trust company or a lawyer.

A notice to creditors is published in a local newspaper. This public notice to creditors tells the creditors that they have four months to bring any claim against the estate for debts the deceased person owes them. The personal representative also gives written notice to all known creditors.

The heirs and people named in the will are notified of the probate proceeding.

Assets are identified and an inventory is prepared and filed with the court. The personal representative works to identify and value the deceased person’s assets. Depending upon the type of assets and the kind of records left by the deceased person, this step can be quite straightforward — or more difficult and time consuming.

Debts are paid. The personal representative ensures that creditors are paid. Creditors must be repaid from the estate before the remaining estate assets can be distributed to the rightful beneficiaries.

The personal representative prepares state and/or federal tax returns and any inheritance, gift and estate tax returns and pays any taxes due.

The personal representative prepares and submits an account to the people named in the will, the heirs of the deceased person and the court. Or if the heirs and people named in the will choose to waive that accounting, a “verified statement” in lieu of that account can be filed with the court for approval.

The account shows all money paid out from the estate and all money collected by the estate. It also contains a narrative explaining the important actions taken in connection with the probate of the estate.

After court approval of the account and payment of all unpaid probate expenses, the deceased person’s assets are distributed to the people and entities (such as charities or trusts) named in the will or, if the person died without a will, to the heirs of the deceased person.

What is a “small estate” proceeding?
Oregon allows an abbreviated procedure for handling small estates that would otherwise require a full probate. If an estate fits in this category, the cost and time for distributing the estate assets may be greatly reduced. The procedure involves filing a document called an “affidavit of claiming successor.” This abbreviated procedure can be used if the estate’s personal property is valued at no more than $75,000 and real property is valued at no more than $200,000, for a total aggregate estate value of no more than $275,000. (These rates are accurate as of April 2018, but can be changed by the state legislature. Please see an attorney or advisor to ensure that they are still accurate.) Real property includes land and buildings or structures placed on land, such as houses, commercial buildings and agricultural buildings. Personal property includes all other property, such as cars, boats, clothing, stocks, bonds and personal items.

How long does probate take?
Probate can be started immediately after death and takes a minimum of four months. If the estate includes property that takes a while to sell, or if there are complicated tax or other matters, probate can last much longer. A small estate proceeding cannot be filed until 30 days after death and is complete upon filing.

What are the costs involved?
Under Oregon law, a personal representative is entitled to a fixed percentage of the value of the total estate. Extra costs may be approved by the court for the personal representative and a lawyer, if the estate is complicated. Other costs include court filing fees, legal notices published in the local newspaper and any other necessary expenses. Lawyers generally charge an hourly rate for their services.

Does probate mean more taxes?
No. Probate does not affect taxes that must be paid. These amounts are based on the total assets that you own at the time of your death. There are federal estate taxes as well as taxes due to Oregon. These amounts change frequently as Congress and our state legislature determine the amounts. Check with your attorney or advisor for details.

Do I need a lawyer?
Probate in Oregon involves a good deal of paperwork that must be filed in a timely manner. To achieve the results you want, probate should be handled with an understanding of the legal principles involved. A probate lawyer can help you avoid the many possible tax traps and other problems that could arise. Also, a lawyer can help you prepare and file the legal documents and prepare you for hearings in court.

Jar of money on table

What is a Trust? Oregon

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People create trusts for different reasons. A person who creates a revocable living trust may do so because it allows her to avoid probate, which is the court process of settling the estate of someone who has died. Parents of young children may include a “just in case” trust in their wills, so that if the parents die when their children are still young, the children’s inheritance will be placed in trust until the children are old enough to manage the assets themselves. Spouses with children and large estates may create trusts for each other in order to minimize the estate tax paid to the government before their children receive their inheritance. These are just some of the many reasons for creating a trust.

No matter the reason for or type of trust, certain terms remain the same for all of them. A “settlor” is the person who creates the trust. A “trustee” is the person who manages trust assets. A “beneficiary” is the person for whom the benefit of the trust is intended. In addition, a trust will either be revocable or irrevocable. The settlor and/or trustee of a revocable trust may modify or revoke the trust fairly easily, according to the terms of the trust, while an irrevocable trust may not be modified or revoked at all, or except under limited circumstances outlined in the trust and/or in state law.

When a settlor creates a trust, the settlor creates a separate legal entity. After creating the trust by signing a legal document, the settlor transfers ownership of assets from the settlor’s name to the trust’s name. If the asset is real property, the settlor signs a deed conveying the real property to the trust. If the asset is a bank account, the settlor changes the owner of the account to the trust. If the asset is personal property, the settlor signs an assignment of the personal property to the trust. The duty of the trustee, who is named in the trust document, is to administer trust assets in accordance with the terms of the trust, for the benefit of the trust beneficiary.

The operation of a trust depends upon the trust purpose. A trust for the benefit of minor or disabled children often takes effect when both parents have died. The parents may have included language in their wills indicating that if they die before their children reach a certain age, the inheritance of the children will be kept in trust and managed by a trustee to provide for the support, care and education of the children until they reach a specific age. If the child is disabled, the trust may direct that the disabled child’s inheritance will remain in trust for the child’s lifetime.

When parents die without creating a trust for their children, it may be necessary for a probate court to appoint a conservator to manage the children’s inheritance. Although conservatorship is appropriate in some cases, it includes costs, complexity and ongoing court oversight that trusts do not.

Another common type of trust is known as a “revocable living trust.” A revocable living trust is an estate plan that addresses three distinct phases of a settlor’s life and death: First, the trust makes clear that while the settlor is alive and well, he or she will serve as trustee and manage trust assets for his or her own benefit. Second, if the settlor becomes ill or injured to the extent that he cannot manage his finances, the trust identifies who will take over as trustee, and directs the successor trustee how to manage trust assets. Third, the trust directs the successor trustee how to distribute remaining trust assets after the settlor dies. As long as the settlor understands the nature and consequences of his or her actions, he or she can cancel or change the revocable living trust.

In the right set of circumstances, a revocable living trust may be an appropriate estate plan. A revocable living trust can sometimes allow the estate of a deceased person to avoid the court probate process for settling estates. The probate process generates costs, delay and complexity, which some families prefer to avoid. In addition, if a deceased person owns real property in more than one state, a probate process may be necessary in each state before the real property may be distributed to beneficiaries.

However, a revocable living trust is not the appropriate estate plan for all people. A revocable living trust is a complex estate plan that will cost more in legal fees than a more basic estate plan. A revocable living trust must be properly funded in order to avoid the probate process, and trust administration generates its own costs and delays. In addition, creation of a revocable living trust is not a tax strategy. The assets of a revocable living trust are subject to federal and state death taxes in exactly the same way as the assets passing under the terms of a more simple estate plan.

Many people hear horror stories about the court probate process and are urged by friends and relatives to execute a trust. A trust is a complex legal document that can serve various purposes for various people. It is important to determine – on an individual basis – whether a trust is an appropriate estate plan. To learn more about trusts and probate and estate planning, contact an attorney who is knowledgeable about trust and estate planning matters.

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Estate Planning Tips: Find the Right Estate Plan for You

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According to some sources, up to 57 percent of American consumers do not have a will, and up to 69 percent of parents with children under the age of 18 do not have a will. Even though a large majority of Americans know and understand the importance of estate planning, many just do not follow through. So, which category are you going to fall into?

Although some people can get away with not having a will, most people should have some plan for how to avoid probate and how they want to have their property distributed after they die.

Many people get scared away from having a will because they think it will be too complicated or too expensive to hire a lawyer. This is simply not true anymore. In most situations, you can prepare your own will in the span of an afternoon by using a few simple documents. All you need to do is learn while you are going along and have some good material at your side in case you get stuck. One of the best cost-savings tips is to utilize one or more of the many forms available online.

The remaining estate planning tips that follow are categorized by age and marital status, but these are just fuzzy guidelines at best. There are many factors that can change your expected lifespan (smoking, dangerous jobs, riding motorcycles, skydiving), and you should adjust your plans accordingly.

Single Under the Age of 30

When you are in your twenties, you have probably not given much thought to what you want done with your possessions and property after you die. This is probably even more true if you recently graduated from college and the best part of your apartment is your home built entertainment center that consists of particle board and cinder blocks. In your situation, you can avoid making a will because you probably have a long time in which to live and acquire more assets.

However, if you were one of the lucky few to strike it rich while in college or before that, you should seriously consider drafting a will. After all, even if you don’t smoke or ride motorcycles, accidents can still happen. With a will in place, you can be sure that your parents, siblings and significant other are taken care of. If you do not write a will, all your property will pass through intestacy laws (dying without a will) and will most likely end up with your parents.

Living with Your Girl/Boyfriend but not Married

If you have chosen to live with your girl or boyfriend and not get married, then you should make a will for sure. If you die without a will, your significant other may end up with nothing as all of your property will pass through the intestacy laws of your state (unless you happen to live in a state that allows civil unions or domestic partnerships), most likely to your parents or other surviving family members.

Another option that you have is to purchase and have title to big ticket items, such as homes and cars, in “joint tenancy with the right of survivorship” with your partner. If one of the joint tenants dies, then the other person takes ownership of the property in full.

You’ve Got Young Kids

Once you have kids, the best thing that you and your spouse can do to ensure their future is to write a will. The will does not have to be a fancy document that uses loopholes and trusts to avoid probate. Rather, it should be simple, leaving money and property to whomever you choose and also appointing a guardian for your children. If you do not write a will and you and your spouse die leaving young kids behind, a court will be in charge of appointing a legal guardian.

In addition, if you die without a will and leave both your spouse and young children behind, some of your property may pass to your children through the intestacy laws. While it is probably a good thing for your children’s college to be paid for, your spouse may need to go to court in order to get control of the property to invest it wisely. This could result in wasted money on lawyers and court fees.

Lastly, once you have kids, it is probably about time to start considering and shopping around for life insurance. For young people that are in decent shape and don’t smoke, term life insurance is relatively inexpensive and can mean the difference between having an easy life and struggling financially for your spouse and kids. Bargain shopping for life insurance has become quite easy on the internet, where you can compare multiple life insurance policies at once.

You’ve done it: Middle Age!

Once you hit that magic line where you can no longer consider yourself “young,” you’ve crossed the line into “middle-age” and are probably already considering how best to draft your will. At this point, you can probably get a rough calculation of all of your assets in your head, but keep in mind that this will probably change in 5 or 10 years, and you will need to periodically revisit and update your will.

Here are some of the more popular options for estate planning.

Revocable Living Trusts

Revocable living trusts are a great idea because they allow you to pass your property to your loved ones without the hassles associated with probate court. These are pretty easy to set up and your bank or other financial institution is probably more than willing to help you with the process.

One of the best parts about a revocable living trust is that you can alter it however you wish while you are still alive. You can add money, take money out, name new beneficiaries (perhaps you have a “surprise child” when you’re 50) and take out beneficiaries. And once you die, the property in the trust will most likely be transferred quickly and efficiently to the people that you chose.

Totten Trust (Payable-on-Death Accounts)

This is even easier than setting up a revocable living trust. If you have a bank account, you can simply turn it into a Totten trust by signing a form that your bank provides that designates the beneficiaries that you wish to receive the contents of the account. Totten trusts avoid probate and are very efficient at transferring property to your beneficiaries. In addition, Totten trusts can often be set up to pass securities (stocks and bonds) as well as bank accounts.

Steps to Reduce Estate Taxes

Only a few people will have enough property and money to worry about the federal estate taxes. As it stands in 2009, the estate taxes only apply if your estate is worth more than $3.5 million. If it happens that your estate will probably exceed the $3.5 million limit, then you should try to take steps to avoid these taxes as it can take a large chunk out of your estate, often taxing at a rate of 45% for everything over the limit. Here are some steps you can take to reduce or eliminate potential estate taxes:

Make sure to give your property away before you die. If you can give your property away before your death, it will be less likely that the federal government will take its bite out of your estate. Currently, you can give up to $13,000 per year per recipient without invoking the gift taxes. Although this may not seem like much, if you can give for ten years to ten people preceding your death, you could reduce your estate by up to $1.3 million.

Create an AB trust. Another way that you can protect your estate from federal estate taxes is to set up a bypass, or AB trust. If you and your spouse set up an AB trust, you leave your property to each other for life, and then to your children. If one of you dies, the surviving spouse can spend the income from the trust, and sometimes the principal. In addition, an AB trust can protect up to double the amount exempt from federal estate taxes. However, AB trusts can be expensive to set up.

Create a charitable trust. If you create a charitable trust, you are giving a gift of property to a charitable organization and getting some payments back in return. These trusts can sometimes save you on your federal estate taxes.

You are Ill or Elderly

If you are getting up there in years or have come down with an illness that you may not recover from, you need to be sure that you have a solid estate plan in place. You should first consider a living trust that will avoid any problems with probate. Next, see if your estate will be large enough to invoke the federal estate taxes. If so, you should take steps to minimize the amount that federal estate taxes will take.

After you have this all done, it is time to consider your own future. Although this can be a grim reminder of the things to come, it is very important that you lay out plans for your own healthcare if you degrade to a state where you are no longer able to manage your money or make choices that are wise for you.

If you do not appoint someone or lay out your plans on paper, it may come down to a judge appointing someone to make these important decisions for you. Having the state involved in such personal matters is something that no one ever wants to have happen.

By appointing someone in a living will to make these important decisions for you, you are creating something called a durable power of attorney. You will need this for both your healthcare as well as your financial matters. In your estate plan, you can choose the person that you wish to fill these roles and also dictate just what power the person will have over your assets and healthcare.

Get Legal Help Finding the Right Estate Plan for You

Probate laws are some of the oldest on the books. While the terminology and concepts may seem archaic, the good news is that you don’t have to figure this all out on your own. There are estate planning attorneys who can help you map our your estate plan and draft important documents. Get started on planning your estate by contacting an experienced estate planning lawyer near you.

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The Most Important Factors Considered in a Child Custody Hearing

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Special Needs

A court will consider the special needs of a child when making a determination for who should get custody during a child custody proceeding, such as:

  • Child’s medical needs.
  • Child’s need for special schooling.
  • Child’s need for specialized transportation devices.
  • Child’s need for special apparatus in the home.
  • A court will give a lot of weight to a child’s special needs in making decisions about child custody.

Medical Needs

A child may have special medical needs that may require extraordinary medical expenses. A court may consider which parent is best apt to handle a child will special medical needs. In determining the extraordinary medical needs of a child, a court will look to the following factors:

  • The frequency of the doctor’s visits.
  • Costs of healthcare needs.
  • Child’s ability to handle his/her medical conditions without the intervention of the parents.
  • >Child’s need to be cared for on a regular basis.
  • Age of the Child

In considering the child’s needs, a court will also consider the age of the child, as children of different ages have very different needs. In determining which parent is better suited to care for a child, a court will probably consider the age of the child in specific age groups, such as:

  • Infants and toddlers.
  • School-aged children.
  • Teenagers.

A court will certainly weigh the age of a child, as children of differing ages may be involved in extracurricular activities which are important for their future success. Some courts, however, will not consider the child’s age at all as a factor in determining child custody.

Extracurricular Activities

Several children are involved with extracurricular activities that often take place on the weekends or after school. These activities may interfere with the child’s ability to visit a non-custodial parent or remain in the same home as another parent. A court will consider this factor in determining the child’s best interests and craft a visitation schedule that will work for all involved parties.

Friends

A court will consider the relationships the child has developed, especially, the child’s circle of friends. Generally, as children age, their friendships become much more important to them. So, in conjunction with a child’s wishes, a court may consider a child custody arrangement that works for all involved parties that permit a child to maintain his/her friendships.

Commitment to Religious Upbringing

In determining the level of importance of religious upbringing a child’s life, a court may consider:

  • Important religious ceremonies such as an upcoming baptism, bar/bat mitzvah. The court will consider the amount of preparation and commitment to a religious institution that needs to go into that religious training prior to the ceremony.
  • If a court determines that religious instruction may be hindered by a specific child custody agreement, a court may either order a temporary child custody arrangement or structure an agreement that will allow the child to maintain religious ties.
  • Parents with differing religious views and/or ties to different religious institutions. Ultimately, if the parents agree to compromise on religious instruction, the court can rule on child custody without a consideration to the child’s religious upbringing.

Proposed Visitation Schedule

In determining how much credibility to place on the child’s level of adjustment and attachment to his/her social circle as well as accommodating a child’s needs, a court will craft a visitation schedule to accommodate the child’s scheduling conflicts and needs.

An appropriate visitation schedule can be:

  • Alternate weekends.
  • Summers.
  • School Holidays/Vacation.
Man and a baby

How to Win Child Custody

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Frustrated by trying to prove you’re the better parent in the eyes of the court? Understanding the ‘better parent’ standard and what the courts are really looking for will help you win child custody in court and put the stress of your current custody situation behind you.

Winning Child Custody

Parents who hope to win child custody should first become familiar with the child custody laws in their jurisdiction and prepare to show themselves in court to be the better parent. However, it’s also important to realize that the court’s singular goal is the best interests of the child, which may or may not include a ruling of sole custody.​

Understand the ‘Better Parent’ Standard

A lot of parents go into a child custody hearing with the intention of seeking sole custody. For some parents, this is because they believe that the other parent is “unfit” to raise their child. Others would prefer to have sole custody for other reasons. However, any parent hoping to win child custody should realize that there is a higher burden of proof for the parent seeking sole custody. To award sole custody, the courts have to establish one parent as the ‘better parent,’ which can be difficult to do, particularly if both parents have been involved up until this point. In addition, most judges are reluctant to prevent either parent from having a relationship with their child because the implication is that both parents, together, are best able to care for a child. As a result, any parent seeking sole custody has to prove that he or she is best able to care for a child, with or without the assistance of the other parent.

In addition, from a judge’s standpoint, parents should not be “trashing” one another during a child custody hearing. Instead, the parent seeking sole custody should focus on proving that he or she is the better parent without attacking his or her counterpart.

Prove You’re the Better Parent

Parents seeking sole custody should focus on the following factors to support a sole custody petition:
The Physical Well-Being of the Child: For example, focus on your child’s routine, sleeping habits, eating schedule, and after-school activities. Judges tend to notice parents who encourage a healthy lifestyle.

The Psychological Well-Being of the Child: For example, making sure that the child has access to liberal visitation with the other parent. Judges tend to favor parents who openly support the child’s the ongoing relationship with the other parent.

Consider Joint Custody

Sometimes neither parent is the one to win child custody. Instead, the courts fail to determine that either adult is the better parent and decide to rule in favor of joint custody, which can be joint legal custody or joint physical custody. Parents should recognize that a ruling of joint custody is not necessarily a loss. In many cases, it is actually the situation that best suits the best interests of the child. In addition, joint custody allows both parents to share equal responsibilities in the care of the child and helps facilitate a proper bond between the child and both parents

Agree on a Parenting Plan

In cases where no “better parent” is established and the courts rule in favor of joint custody, parents should work together to determine a parenting schedule. Many states actually require a written parenting plan, but even if your state does not, it can be helpful to put your intentions down on paper and work together to establish a schedule that works for everyone involved

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7 Signs You Need to Hire a Child Custody Lawyer

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Your Ex Has One

If you already know your ex is working with a private child custody attorney, then it’s time for you to consider hiring a child custody lawyer, as well. If money is an issue, look for free legal aid in your area. The last thing you want is to feel as though your case didn’t turn out the way you wanted because your ex hired a lawyer and you did not.

Your Case Has Become More Complicated

Sometimes you start out with a pretty simple case that becomes increasingly complicated as you go along. For example, say you learn that your ex has changed her mind about sharing custody, or you suspect that he’s going to try to convince the court that you’re unfit to have the kids overnight. These complications would indicate that it’s time to hire a child custody lawyer.

Your Case Crosses Jurisdictions

If you and your ex live in different states or even different countries, then you should consider getting a lawyer to represent you. You should still do all you can to learn about the child custody laws impacting your case, especially if it’s international, but seeking counsel is generally recommended for any inter-jurisdictional cases.

You Believe Your Children Are in Danger

This is a situation that always demands qualified legal representation. The costs of losing your child custody case are just too high when you believe your kids’ safety is on the line. In addition, any time you believe your children are in immediate danger, you should call 9-1-1. In this type of situation, you should also consider getting a restraining order, as well. If you are worried about potential repercussions, share your concerns with your lawyer.

Your Ex Is Trying to Prevent You From Seeing the Kids

If your ex is attempting to limit your contact with the children, denying visits, or canceling at the last minute, then you should consider hiring an attorney to represent you. These types of behaviors could indicate that you’ll need a well-qualified, experienced lawyer by your side in court.

The Court Is Requiring You to Participate in Treatment or Take Classes

If the court is requiring you to take parenting classes or anger management classes or to enroll in drug or alcohol treatment, then you’re probably already at a disadvantage in the eyes of the court. In this situation, it’s best to hire a lawyer to represent you. The only exception would be if all parents in your country or state are required to participate in parenting or anger management classes as a standard part of any child custody proceeding. (While not common, some jurisdictions do require some type of parental education for all child custody cases.)

The Circumstances of Your Case Have Changed Significantly

Finally, if either your circumstances of your ex’s have changed significantly, then you’ll want to hire a child custody lawyer to represent you. For example, if either of you are relocating, remarrying, or even moving in with a significant other, then it may be a good idea to hire an attorney rather than representing yourself pro se.

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10 Tips For How To Choose A Divorce Lawyer

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Knowing how to choose a divorce lawyer who will provide you with the legal advice you need, at a price you can afford, and be the right fit for your situation, isn’t easy. Here are 10 tips to guide you in your search.

1. Decide what divorce process you want to use. This is the FIRST decision you need to make!

You have to decide whether you want to use mediation, litigation, Collaborative Divorce or cooperative divorce. Then you can start looking for a divorce lawyer who is experienced in getting people divorced using that divorce process.

In other words, you have to match the lawyer to the divorce process. Otherwise, you are not going to be satisfied with the result you get in your case.

2. Decide what kind of legal service that you need. While everyone who is going through a divorce needs legal advice (at least in my humble opinion!), not everyone needs a $500 per hour big city divorce law firm on their case.

If you have a lot of assets, own companies, or have a complicated financial situation, then, yes, you are going to need an experienced lawyer, or law firm, who understands finances and is equipped to handle a complicated divorce.

If you have a short marriage, no kids, no real estate and are not dividing any retirement plans, then you may be able to get by with a simple consultation with a lawyer.

If you don’t mind spending some time, and want to save money, you might even be able to use an online document production website to draft your documents. (The documents won’t be fabulous, but, if your situation is simple and agreed, they may be “good enough.”)

3. Figure out what you can afford. No one wants to pay thousands of dollars (or more) to a divorce lawyer. But, there is such a thing as being penny wise and pound foolish.

You have to balance the level of legal services that you need with the cost of the services that you can afford. And you have to be honest with yourself.

If you own multiple properties and have a six figure salary, you CAN afford a divorce lawyer. The fact that you don’t want to pay a divorce lawyer is really beside the point.

If you are living paycheck to paycheck, have no equity in your home, and nothing in your savings account, getting an expensive, high-powered divorce lawyer just might make you end up in bankruptcy court!

4. Ask around. The absolute best way to find a good divorce lawyer is, was, and probably always will be, word of mouth.

If you know someone who has been through a divorce in the past few years, and was satisfied with their divorce lawyer, get that lawyer’s name.

If you know any non-divorce lawyers, ask them for a referral. Lawyers know each other. Your neighbor who is a real estate lawyer may be able to lead you to an excellent divorce lawyer.

5. Use the internet wisely. Do not get sucked in by the lawyer who has the best website, or is paying to have their ad on the first page of Google!

The internet is best used for gathering information and validating referrals. If someone gives you the name of a divorce lawyer whose website looks like it hasn’t been updated since Al Gore invented the internet (or worse, who doesn’t have a website at all!), that is NOT a good sign.

On the other hand, the law firm that has the most amazing, state-of-the-internet new website, full of professional pictures and slick copy, may not be all that much better.

6. Take lawyer ratings with a grain of salt. Lawyer rating agencies are not infallible. A lawyer who chooses not to advertise, or participate in a particular rating site’s program, may end up being rated poorly, even though s/he may be an amazing lawyer. Their mediocre rating is really only a reflection of the fact that that lawyer has chosen not to be part of the rating program.

Another complicating factor is that, due to ethical restrictions, lawyers in some states are prohibited from participating in legal rating websites.

Finally, you need to remember that people going through a divorce are not happy. Sometimes, even if a lawyer does an outstanding job for them, those people complain. Their rating of their lawyer may have more to do with them, than it does with their lawyer.

7. Find a lawyer who is experienced in family law. This is not the time you want to talk to your cousin’s boyfriend’s uncle who specializes in estate planning, but is willing to do you a favor and handle your divorce.

You need a lawyer who regularly works in divorce.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t hire a sole practitioner who does other things besides divorce. You just don’t want to hire someone who only handles one divorce every couple of years.

8. Interview at least 2 or 3 lawyers before you choose a divorce lawyer. Going to two or three different lawyers’ offices and telling your story over and over again can be exhausting. It’s tempting to want to just hire the first lawyer you meet.

Resist the temptation. Take the time to meet at least two different attorneys.

Why? Different lawyers have different perspectives. You may get two very different views on how you should handle your case. Then you can choose the attorney who recommends using the approach you are the most comfortable with.

9. Make a list of questions to ask BEFORE you interview any one. It’s normal to be nervous when you go talk to a lawyer, especially about something as personal as divorce. It’s also normal to be super-emotional when you are going through a divorce.

Both of those factors make it more likely that, once you are in an attorney’s office, you will forget what you wanted to ask… and you won’t remember until after you are back home.

Making a list of the important questions you want answered makes it much more likely that you will actually ask, and get an answer to, those questions.

10. Go with your gut. The first nine factors are all very logical and rational. But, when you meet a particular lawyer your gut starts screaming “Run!,” then do yourself a favor. Listen to your gut. If you are not sure what your gut is saying, here are a few hints:

The lawyer who is right for you will not make you cry.

The lawyer will talk in words that you understand, and will not make you feel stupid or unimportant.

If you leave an interview with a lawyer and don’t feel like s/he heard a word you were saying, that is NOT the lawyer for you.

Finally, trust yourself. If you walk out of a lawyer’s office and you have that kind of nauseous, uneasy feeling that you get when something is not right, then maybe s/he is not the right lawyer for you.

So, how to choose the divorce lawyer who will be best for you? Use your head, but pay attention to your gut.

‘No One Meant To Be In My Office’: A Divorce Lawyer’s Tips On Staying Together

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Marriage … is what brings us together today. So naturally, we’re talking to a divorce lawyer!

“We’re raised to look at marriage as this milestone and we keep signing up for it,” says James Sexton. “There are very few behaviors that end so badly so frequently that we would just sign up for it with such reckless abandon!”

Sexton has personally witnessed the demise of more than a thousand marriages — but that’s right folks, you guessed it — he still believes in love. Not only that, but his career helping people out of marriages inspired him to write a how-to book on staying together: If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late.

So what does a divorce lawyer, who’s seen the worst kind of behaviors in human relationships, know about how to do it right? “Over these years, I’ve seen so much of what people do wrong that you could probably reverse-engineer that into what they might have done differently,” he says.

On never hiring attractive babysitters

The nanny thing is a thing, and it’s amazing to me, because again, I learn about this sitting at the other end of the desk from people that have gone through it. And I’m not speculating, I’m doing ethnographic research. I’m like the Margaret Mead of divorce here, I’m sitting there with my nose in it, people are cheating with the nanny, husbands are running off with the nanny, husbands and wives are running off with the nanny, as I talk about in the book … I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that the nanny has a life outside of the home, and a life outside of the family, and what I try to talk about is how spouses, how wives in particular, could leverage that nanny fascination into improving their own daily life and having time for themselves.

On reinventing yourself with your partner, as opposed to after divorce

Do it in a way that’s constructive, as opposed to destructive. And do it sooner rather than later. People come to me, they’ve already lost the plot. They had a story they were trying to write together, everyone who gets married wants it to last. No one can pretend — in this curated world we live in where everyone puts everything on social media and it’s always the best version of what they’re doing, divorce is refreshing in the sense that you can’t pretend you meant to be in my office. No one meant to be in my office.

On reinventing yourself with your partner, as opposed to after divorce

The core answer isn’t that sexy. What it really is is, just stay connected with your spouse. Communicate with your spouse, remember that you fell in love with a person who had unique traits, and there were little things you just did for each other. You were cheerleaders for each other at some point. But when you’re married it’s very very easy to just not even see the person anymore, much less cheer for them. You know, whoever discovered water, it wasn’t a fish. When you’re in something, you don’t see it so clearly anymore. So I encourage people to step back from their marriage, to take a very clear inventory of it, and to really pay attention. And the other thing I think is equally important is being painfully honest with your spouse about what’s going on in your heart, and what’s going on in your head.

On advice for his clients

I just tell people that they should just try to see the best version of themselves in whatever choice they make. It’s really hard to stay together, and it’s really hard to split up. And what I really try to tell people in the book, and certainly in the conclusion to the book, is whatever path you choose, try to remember that marriage was appealing to you and to your spouse because you both had a very human need for connection and for love, and for someone who was cheering for you in a world that feels very antagonistic sometimes. And my advice to everyone is, stay out of my office if you can, but if you need to come to my office, I hope I see the most compassionate, thoughtful version of you, I hope I see a version of you that focuses on your kids, and that focuses on ending your relationship with dignity.

Woman crying

5 Facts Everyone Must Know About Domestic Violence

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What if you don’t know much about the issue? Take a few minutes to educate yourself about its true scope:

Abuse is Common

A generation ago, abuse victims were often terrified of coming forward, worried that they would appear weak or be blamed for their abuse. Thanks to the growth of the women’s movement and the victim’s rights movement, as well as the lobbying of millions of advocates across the globe, we now know how common domestic violence is. Indeed, some sociologists argue that gender roles, a fixation on control, and a culture of aggression have ingrained domestic violence into the American way of life.

Consider:

  • A woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds.
  • 1 in 3 women—and 1 in 4 men—have been in abusive relationships, and 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have faced severe physical violence.
  • 20 people are abused by an intimate partner every minute, adding up to 10 million each year.
  • More than 200,000 phone calls are placed to domestic violence hotlines every year.
  • Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
  • The presence of guns in a home where domestic violence is a problem increases the risk of a murder by 500%.
  • Both Men and Women Can be Victims

Domestic violence outreach campaigns often focus on women, but both men and women can be and are victims of domestic violence. One study found that 40% of domestic violence victims are men. Of course, the picture is a bit more complicated: While some groups have used this figure to argue that women are just as violent as men, most domestic violence directed at men is in the form of slaps and other low-level violence. Men are significantly more likely to resort to extreme violence, to use weapons, and to kill their partners.

So while domestic violence against men does happen and is a serious problem, women remain the primary victims. But for this reason, men who have faced abuse often find themselves stigmatized and ridiculed. If someone you love says they’ve been the victim of domestic violence, you should believe and support them, since no gender is safe, and no amount of physical strength or emotional fortitude protects against abuse.

Abuse Victims Face a Culture of Blame

It’s not just male domestic-violence survivors who find their stories disregarded. Myths about domestic violence are common, particularly among those most likely to abuse their partners. For instance, it’s common to hear some people say that, if hit, they will hit back, and so women who slap their partners should expect whatever violence the partners dish back out. These thoughts support a culture of abuse and victim-blaming.

Remember these key facts, which debunk many intimate partner violence myths:

No amount of bad behavior can induce someone to behave violently. Victims do not cause their abuse, even if they are unfaithful, unreasonable, or unkind.

Responding to violence with violence is only acceptable in cases of self-defense, not to punish the perpetrator.
No level of violence is normal or acceptable in a relationship; a person who resorts to violence once will likely do so again.
Domestic violence harms children even when the children are not physically abused; many police departments treat domestic violence in the presence of children as a form of child abuse.
Leaving Isn’t as Easy as It Seems

Domestic violence survivors are often asked why they don’t leave. But consider this: How would you feel about leaving your partner? As difficult as it may be to admit, domestic violence relationships still offer their victims something, such as financial security or a relationship with a person they love. Programs designed to help victims leave, then, need to address these concerns.

Perhaps most important, though, is the fact that leaving can be dangerous. Research consistently shows that abusers are more likely to kill their victims in the two weeks after they leave than at any other time. When considered in conjunction with the fact that leaving can spark financial troubles, not to mention the pain of losing a relationship, it’s easy to understand why so many survivors are hesitant to leave.

Responding to Abuse Can be Challenging

It’s not easy to know what to do when someone you love is in an abusive relationship; confronting the abuser is rarely the solution.

The following steps may help:

Listen to and believe your loved one. Allow them to control their own lives. If your loved one does not want to leave or call the police, do not force them to.
Do not get involved in their fights, as doing so may endanger you. Call the police instead.
Offer your loved one a safe place to stay, or help him or her get to a shelter.
Explore your loved one’s reasons for staying, and offer to help. If childcare or finances are a concern, for instance, try offering some financial assistance.
We can all do our part by abandoning false beliefs, embracing a culture of safety, and supporting the victims we know.

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Pendleton, Oregon 97801

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Hermiston, Oregon 97838

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