Marriage … is what brings us together today. So naturally, we’re talking to a divorce lawyer!

“We’re raised to look at marriage as this milestone and we keep signing up for it,” says James Sexton. “There are very few behaviors that end so badly so frequently that we would just sign up for it with such reckless abandon!”

Sexton has personally witnessed the demise of more than a thousand marriages — but that’s right folks, you guessed it — he still believes in love. Not only that, but his career helping people out of marriages inspired him to write a how-to book on staying together: If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late.

So what does a divorce lawyer, who’s seen the worst kind of behaviors in human relationships, know about how to do it right? “Over these years, I’ve seen so much of what people do wrong that you could probably reverse-engineer that into what they might have done differently,” he says.

On never hiring attractive babysitters

The nanny thing is a thing, and it’s amazing to me, because again, I learn about this sitting at the other end of the desk from people that have gone through it. And I’m not speculating, I’m doing ethnographic research. I’m like the Margaret Mead of divorce here, I’m sitting there with my nose in it, people are cheating with the nanny, husbands are running off with the nanny, husbands and wives are running off with the nanny, as I talk about in the book … I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that the nanny has a life outside of the home, and a life outside of the family, and what I try to talk about is how spouses, how wives in particular, could leverage that nanny fascination into improving their own daily life and having time for themselves.

On reinventing yourself with your partner, as opposed to after divorce

Do it in a way that’s constructive, as opposed to destructive. And do it sooner rather than later. People come to me, they’ve already lost the plot. They had a story they were trying to write together, everyone who gets married wants it to last. No one can pretend — in this curated world we live in where everyone puts everything on social media and it’s always the best version of what they’re doing, divorce is refreshing in the sense that you can’t pretend you meant to be in my office. No one meant to be in my office.

On reinventing yourself with your partner, as opposed to after divorce

The core answer isn’t that sexy. What it really is is, just stay connected with your spouse. Communicate with your spouse, remember that you fell in love with a person who had unique traits, and there were little things you just did for each other. You were cheerleaders for each other at some point. But when you’re married it’s very very easy to just not even see the person anymore, much less cheer for them. You know, whoever discovered water, it wasn’t a fish. When you’re in something, you don’t see it so clearly anymore. So I encourage people to step back from their marriage, to take a very clear inventory of it, and to really pay attention. And the other thing I think is equally important is being painfully honest with your spouse about what’s going on in your heart, and what’s going on in your head.

On advice for his clients

I just tell people that they should just try to see the best version of themselves in whatever choice they make. It’s really hard to stay together, and it’s really hard to split up. And what I really try to tell people in the book, and certainly in the conclusion to the book, is whatever path you choose, try to remember that marriage was appealing to you and to your spouse because you both had a very human need for connection and for love, and for someone who was cheering for you in a world that feels very antagonistic sometimes. And my advice to everyone is, stay out of my office if you can, but if you need to come to my office, I hope I see the most compassionate, thoughtful version of you, I hope I see a version of you that focuses on your kids, and that focuses on ending your relationship with dignity.

What if you don’t know much about the issue? Take a few minutes to educate yourself about its true scope:

Abuse is Common

A generation ago, abuse victims were often terrified of coming forward, worried that they would appear weak or be blamed for their abuse. Thanks to the growth of the women’s movement and the victim’s rights movement, as well as the lobbying of millions of advocates across the globe, we now know how common domestic violence is. Indeed, some sociologists argue that gender roles, a fixation on control, and a culture of aggression have ingrained domestic violence into the American way of life.

Consider:

• A woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds.
• 1 in 3 women—and 1 in 4 men—have been in abusive relationships, and 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have faced severe physical violence.
• 20 people are abused by an intimate partner every minute, adding up to 10 million each year.
• More than 200,000 phone calls are placed to domestic violence hotlines every year.
• Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crimes.
• The presence of guns in a home where domestic violence is a problem increases the risk of a murder by 500%.
• Both Men and Women Can be Victims

Domestic violence outreach campaigns often focus on women, but both men and women can be and are victims of domestic violence. One study found that 40% of domestic violence victims are men. Of course, the picture is a bit more complicated: While some groups have used this figure to argue that women are just as violent as men, most domestic violence directed at men is in the form of slaps and other low-level violence. Men are significantly more likely to resort to extreme violence, to use weapons, and to kill their partners.

So while domestic violence against men does happen and is a serious problem, women remain the primary victims. But for this reason, men who have faced abuse often find themselves stigmatized and ridiculed. If someone you love says they’ve been the victim of domestic violence, you should believe and support them, since no gender is safe, and no amount of physical strength or emotional fortitude protects against abuse.

Abuse Victims Face a Culture of Blame

It’s not just male domestic-violence survivors who find their stories disregarded. Myths about domestic violence are common, particularly among those most likely to abuse their partners. For instance, it’s common to hear some people say that, if hit, they will hit back, and so women who slap their partners should expect whatever violence the partners dish back out. These thoughts support a culture of abuse and victim-blaming.

Remember these key facts, which debunk many intimate partner violence myths:

No amount of bad behavior can induce someone to behave violently. Victims do not cause their abuse, even if they are unfaithful, unreasonable, or unkind.

Responding to violence with violence is only acceptable in cases of self-defense, not to punish the perpetrator.
No level of violence is normal or acceptable in a relationship; a person who resorts to violence once will likely do so again.
Domestic violence harms children even when the children are not physically abused; many police departments treat domestic violence in the presence of children as a form of child abuse.
Leaving Isn’t as Easy as It Seems

Domestic violence survivors are often asked why they don’t leave. But consider this: How would you feel about leaving your partner? As difficult as it may be to admit, domestic violence relationships still offer their victims something, such as financial security or a relationship with a person they love. Programs designed to help victims leave, then, need to address these concerns.

Perhaps most important, though, is the fact that leaving can be dangerous. Research consistently shows that abusers are more likely to kill their victims in the two weeks after they leave than at any other time. When considered in conjunction with the fact that leaving can spark financial troubles, not to mention the pain of losing a relationship, it’s easy to understand why so many survivors are hesitant to leave.

Responding to Abuse Can be Challenging

It’s not easy to know what to do when someone you love is in an abusive relationship; confronting the abuser is rarely the solution.

The following steps may help:

Listen to and believe your loved one. Allow them to control their own lives. If your loved one does not want to leave or call the police, do not force them to.
Do not get involved in their fights, as doing so may endanger you. Call the police instead.
Offer your loved one a safe place to stay, or help him or her get to a shelter.
Explore your loved one’s reasons for staying, and offer to help. If childcare or finances are a concern, for instance, try offering some financial assistance.
We can all do our part by abandoning false beliefs, embracing a culture of safety, and supporting the victims we know.